Sunday, 24 September 2017

Outrageous Excuses 2017 (2)

A bison ate my homework

I still leave two spaces after a full stop because:

It’s what I was taught 30 years ago – I’d have been fired if I didn’t comply!
It’s a hard habit to break.
My mother told me to and I want to retain a link with a loved one.

Princess Margaret said that Boy George looked like an “over-made-up tart”. Her office explained that she said he was “commedia dell’arte”.

Jacob Rees Mogg says increased use of food banks is due to the previous Labour government not telling people they existed. He also says the phenomenon is "uplifting". (Sept 2017)

Poor people only go to food banks because they don’t know how to cook. (Baroness Jenkins)

Bannon trying to spin his departure as a good thing is like the guy who just got fired talking about how awesome his own business will be: “Now I don't have to come here every day I can devote all my time to working on my screenplay!” (Ian Rennie‏ @theangelremiel)

I accept theoretically we didn’t win. But in a way we won an awareness. We won the opportunity for our manifesto to be heard. If the timespan of the campaign was longer I think we would be in government now. It wasn’t because Theresa May won why she is still prime minister. It wasn’t because Jeremy lost. Jeremy, in a sense, didn’t lose, the Labour party didn’t lose. And the Conservatives didn’t win. (Claudia Webbe)

Gay Porn Star Turned German Spy Accused of Being Jihadi Mole Says He Planned Attack Online Because of Boredom (Newsweek)

Boots claim the morning after pill is so expensive to discourage ‘inappropriate’ use. (Metro)

Councillor Rosemary Carroll had claimed she had meant to delete a racist post but ended up publishing it by mistake.

Department for Communities and Local Government: "Translation undermines community cohesion by encouraging segregation" (Dec 2012)

Turkish schools will stop teaching evolution because: "We believe that these subjects are beyond students' comprehension."

A pub landlord who posted a message on Facebook calling for the deportation of everyone with the same name as the Manchester bomber says he doesn’t “understand how Facebook works”.

UKIP wants to ban the burka because it prevents absorption of Vitamin D.

A woman in the US tried to persuade other parents and children on a camping trip to act as if the Easter Bunny was real because her eight-year-old son still believed in it, and she wanted to “keep the magic alive”. (Via Mallory Ortberg,

Conspiracist Alex Jones of InfoWars is trying to get custody of his kids, but in court couldn’t answer questions about their lives. He blamed it on the “big bowl of chilli” he ate for lunch.
In the last year, two people have told me they're voting Tory because Britain can't deport Abu Hamza. Hamza was extradited to the US in 2012. (@flying_rodent)

Global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. (Donald Trump)

God doesn't send people to hell. He honours their decision to live without Him for eternity. (@ImSowFull)

Theresa May says she backs fox hunting because other methods of killing foxes are 'cruel' (Business Insider UK‏ @BIUK)

The Polish government wants to chop down a forest which is home to European bison in order to “protect it”.

More here, and links to the rest.

Friday, 22 September 2017

Hyperbole, Overstatement, Catastrophising 8

We have lost our connection to Nature!
(Because only old Asian ladies, and not Brits, are collecting chestnuts in Hyde Park. “Our ancestors” would have “harvested” them. From Twitter.)

Feminism poisons relations between men and women. (Belinda Brown. Here's another headline from her blog: "Teaching little girls about breastfeeding robs them of their childhood.")

The Ghostbusters reboot will ruin my childhood! (It has been remade with a cast of women.)

We can’t have women priests in the CoE, it would lead to a return of paganism! (Bishop of Exeter, 1974. Still waiting, 2017.)

Has the fact that we mourn more for Prince than 500 drowned refugees mean that we have lost all sense of proportion?

Bloke wails that London is now Muslim, in a year Buckingham Palace will be a “mosk” and the Queen will be forced to wear a “burker”. (May 8, 2016. Wish he had said, “Or I’ll eat my hat”, 2017.)

Likewise, man worried for his 7-month-old son because there are so many immigrants to the UK that white people will soon become an endangered species. (DM comments 2016)

And others saying that “London is now entirely Islamic”, “You have to go outside London to hear English spoken”, and "Come to Kings Cross – you'll be shocked!". 

Impactful... now there's a word that completely destroys the language. (That's also a self-denying statement.)

Saudis fear there'll be no more virgins and people will turn gay if female drive ban is lifted. (via Nevine Zaki December 2, 2011)

Letting women drive would increase prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce. (via Ian Shuttleworth)

Mike Stuchbery is destroying our past! (Translation: Mike Stuchbery is pointing to evidence that the history of the British Isles has not been a 2000-year history of white people.)

Once you end people's right to buy something and do as they please with it you have a police state. (Estate agent Trevor Abrahmsohn, Guardian June 2017)

Entitled millennials “are trying to destroy the United States”. (via Twitter)

All men are hated by females now. (Twitter)

We are in the dictatorship of the super intelligent. (FB comment on the female student who stabbed her boyfriend and got a suspended sentence because “she has a brilliant future ahead of her” – paraphrase.)

Guy sues date for texting during movie, calling it, "A threat to civilized society." (

Civilization is truly over: Harry Potter Creative Producer vacancy at the British Llibrary. (‏@sarah_shin_)

"White genocide!"
"All Muslims are rapists!"
"PC is destroying UK culture!"
"EU costs £350m a week!"
(Delicate Snowflake‏ @AndyBodle)

Tesco chairman, John Allan – one of nine white men who sit on the executive board – said that men have become an "endangered species" at the top of British business. (Grazia, March 2017)

The EU has destroyed every country in Europe!

Southern England is so flooded with immigrants that everyone in London speaks with an Indian accent!

Look at this picture of schoolchildren in the local paper, not a white face! So Bradford is now a no-go area for white people!

Headline: Germany: Nearly 40% of under fives now “migrant background”. 
Comment: Demographics at work. Germany is finished.

American cultural dominance! (One Macdonalds in Moscow.)

BBC ensuring 50% of all shows are about Gay relationships. First Holby, then Casualty & now Dr Who. Are there no heterosexual people left? (Matt @mtavp)

That student who burned a £20 in front of a homeless man – leave him alone! It was uncharacteristic! His life is ruined!
Same-sex marriage will “destroy the whole human race”, Australian parliament told. (Feb 2017)

One young woman this morning with such a passion for fruit that she piles her plate with melon, pineapple, grapes and kiwi fruit and fills her pockets with tangerines to the extent that in the process nature itself is demeaned. (Alan Bennett, LRB on hotel breakfast buffets.)

Pope Francis says capitalism is ‘terrorism against all of humanity’.

Gays don’t want marriage equality, they want homosexual supremacy!
Gun Control Efforts Are “Exactly How Satan Works”(Bryan Fischer)

More here, and links to the rest.